


Coda 14x18

by Taybay14



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel stands up for himself, Comfort, Dean admits he's an asshole, Happy Ending, Hurt, I fixed it, Obviously SPOILERS if ya haven't watched the episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 09:14:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18443528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taybay14/pseuds/Taybay14
Summary: It's late when Castiel gets ho- to the bunker. The place is deathly quiet, a strange absence of noise considering the state of the place. Chairs are broken. Lamps. A bottle of whiskey lays broken on the floor, a splatter of the liquid on the wall above where it now rests, shattered in a puddle on the floor.That's how Castiel finds Dean. Shattered. In a puddle on the floor. Cradling a new bottle of whiskey to his chest. It looks like he tried making it to his bedroom but gave up halfway down the hall. He lays broken. Not crying. Not angry. Just staring off into the distance with a blank expression.





	Coda 14x18

At some point during the burning of Mary's body, Dean stormed off to the impala and left. With a silent look, Sam went after him and Castiel stayed, seeing that the hunter's funeral was finished properly. He stood there for hours. Part of him knew he was using it as an excuse to stay away from Dean. To put off the impending heart break. He has to go home eventually though. 

 

_ Home. Can he call it that anymore?  _ Dean is his home. But the man's voice echoes in his head “You're dead to me.” 

 

_ You're dead to me. _

 

_ You're dead to me. _

 

_ You're dead to me. _

 

It's late when Castiel gets ho- to the bunker. The place is deathly quiet, a strange absence of noise considering the state of the place. Chairs are broken. Lamps. A bottle of whiskey lays broken on the floor, a splatter of the liquid on the wall above where it now rests, shattered in a puddle on the floor. 

 

That's how Castiel finds Dean. Shattered. In a puddle on the floor. Cradling a new bottle of whiskey to his chest. It looks like he tried making it to his bedroom but gave up halfway down the hall. He lays broken. Not crying. Not angry. Just staring off into the distance with a blank expression. 

 

Not bothering with words, Castiel walks to the man and picks him up. Dean doesn't even argue as he's carried bridal style to his room. That's how Castiel knows this is bad. Very bad. 

 

He places Dean on the edge of his bed, hovering his hands inches away in case the man falls over. When he decides that Dean is stable, he reaches down to take the whiskey.

 

Green eyes snap up, focusing for the first time. “No.”

 

“Dean. You need rest.” They fight over it like children until Castiel pauses the tug of war, the two of them holding it at once, holding hands at the same time, whiskey suspended in the air. “I won't take it away. I'll just put it on the bedside table. Right here. Nice and safe. Okay?” 

 

“Safe,” Dean echoes in a whisper. 

 

“Yes. Safe. You can grab it and take a drink whenever you need. Okay?”

 

“Safe.” Dean's eyes lock onto him again. This time, it feels like he's telling Castiel instead of asking.  _ But what? What's safe? Dean is safe? Because Castiel is here? Or Castiel is safe? Because Dean doesn't hate him like he said?  _

 

_ You're dead to me. _

 

_ You're dead to me _

 

_ You're dead- _

 

“Cas,” Dean starts. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“You saw her?” 

 

Castiel gets down on a knee to look Dean in the eye. “I did. Her and your father.”

 

“What-” he pauses, sniffing and wiping away a few tears. “What were they doin’?”

 

“They were watching the sunset. Sitting on the porch swing of a house overlooking the lake.” 

 

“Were we there?” 

 

“No.”

 

Dean drops his head, looking at his lap. “Oh.”

 

Unable to stop himself, Castiel adds, “Sam and Jess live in the city nearby with their three little ones. He got his law degree. He uses it for social activism. They visit at least once a week.” 

 

Still not looking at Castiel, Dean huffs a laugh. “And let me guess? I'm some alcoholic no one acknowledges? Black sheep? Maybe come home for a holiday now and then just to fuck it up.”

 

“No, Dean. You are happy in their world. You live a life that, in Mary's mind, would make you happiest.”

 

Dean looks at him, nibbling on his bottom lip. “What is it?”

 

“What?” Castiel asks, even though he knows what Dean is asking. He's terrified to tell Dean what he saw. He thinks maybe he should lie. It feels like a betrayal to lie, though. A betrayal to who, Castiel doesn't know, but a betrayal nonetheless. 

 

“What's my life like there?” There's so much vulnerability im Dean's eyes. It takes Castile's breath away, and he knows he doesn't stand a chance. Of course he will tell Dean. Even if it changes nothing. Even if he still breaks his heart after.

 

_ You're dead to me. _

 

“Happy,” Castiel chokes out. He clears his throat and clarifies. “You went to college. Got a degree in criminal justice. You're a detective. A very good one. You live in a beautiful home just a few blocks from Sam. Your kids are best friends with his. You're - you - you're married. Happily married.”

 

“To who?”

 

Castiel forces himself to maintain eye contact. “Me, Dean. You and I are married.”

 

The shock he expected doesn't come. Instead, Dean's lips tilt up in a ghost of a smile. “And we have kids?”

 

“Yes. A little boy that looks just like you, but with even more freckles. And a little girl with my black curly hair and blue eyes.” 

 

“They're biologically ours?”

 

“Yes. I'm human. So we can grow old together. We used a surrogate. First your sperm. Then the next one mine.”

 

Dean's lips part in a breath. “I bet they were beautiful.”

 

“Yes. They were.” 

 

“Very unrealistic though.”

 

The subtle hope that had been swirling inside Castiel sparks and fizzles out. He swallows around the lump in his throat, looking away quickly so Dean can't see him blinking to try and fight the tears. 

 

_ You're dead to me.  _

 

“I would never go to college,” Dean says with laughter in his voice. “Plus, I'm too old for that shit. And with two rugrats running around? No way. I'd be exhausted. Especially if they have our DNA. I think I'd own an auto shop. Like Bobby's. I always felt at peace when I was workin’ on cars.” 

 

“Wait.” Castiel snaps his eyes to Dean. When he blinks, a tear slips down his cheek. “It's unrealistic because you wouldn't go to college?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean reaches out a shaky hand, touching Castiel's face with just his fingertips, almost like he's checking to make sure he's still real. “The rest is nice, though. The rest we keep.” 

 

Castiel leans into the touch and holds his breath. It only takes a second before the sadness returns, making Dean pull his hand away and slump his shoulders. “There's no sorrow. There's no guilt. Just joy.” 

 

“What?” Castiel asks. 

 

“That's what you told me and Sam about my mom's heaven.  _ There's no sorrow. There's no guilt. Just joy.”  _

 

“Yes.” 

 

Dean nods, his eyes going blank like when Castiel first saw him. “Maybe I should die. Maybe it'd be better. I'd like a life like that. I want  _ that  _ life. Not this one.”

 

“Oh, Dean.” Castiel scoots closer. “That life isn't real.” 

 

“But it's better.”

 

“Dean-”

 

“I can't do this anymore, Cas. I can't live this life. I can't handle the sorrow anymore. I can't handle the guilt.” Dean gives him a broken smile. “Like today. The things I said to you. That was unacceptable. That's not how you deserve to be treated.” 

 

“It's fine, Dean. You were-”

 

“No,” Dean nearly growls. “No. It's not okay.  _ I'm  _ not okay. And the way I treat you. The way I'm always treating you? Not. Okay.”

 

Castiel nods. “You're right. It's not okay. It needs to stop.”

 

“It will. I swear. I'll be better.” Dean’s eyes meet Castiel's. They're watery and red. “We could go. We could be in that world instead. Together. I'd probably be a shitty husband and a shitty father, but I'll try, Cas. I'll try really fucking hard.”

 

“No, Dean. We are staying here. Alive. In the real world.”

 

“I don't like this world anymore.” Dean closes his eyes, a tear slipping down his freckled cheek. “I'm not sure I ever did.”

 

Castiel stands up. He shrugs out of his coat. Then kicks off his shoes. He removes Dean's flannel. The man keeps his eyes closed, just letting Castiel do what he wants. It isn't until they're beneath the covers, Castiel holding Dean tight to his chest, that Dean finally opens them again. He blinks, finding himself nose to nose with Castiel. When he breathes in, he breathes in the angel. He wants to hold it inside himself forever. Even if his lungs burst. 

 

“We'll build that life here, Dean. You'll see. We can be happy. Even with sorrow and guilt, we can be happy.” 

 

“Happy,” Dean whispers. It sounds like a request. 

 

“Happy,” Castiel replies. It sounds like a promise. “I swear to you Dean Winchester. I'll give you your auto shop. I'll give you those beautiful children. I'll give you anything I possibly can.”

 

“Me too, Cas. I'll give you everything. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up. It's not fair to you.” Dean rubs their noses together. “I'm sorry for today.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You could never be dead to me. Even when we lost you, even when you were physically dead, I still saw you everywhere. I still longed for you. Missed you. Needed you. Dreamt of you.”

 

Castiel releases a shaky breath. It's everything he's ever wanted to hear. He's terrified. And thrilled. He's shocked. And happy. 

 

He's happy. 

 

“I love you,” Castiel whispers against his lips, pushing thoughts of the darkness away. 

 

Dean presses closer, planting a kiss without actually kissing him. “I love you, too,” he says against his mouth.

 

He pulls away only to lean back in and kiss Castiel again. They kiss until they forget everything but themselves. Then they fall asleep tangled together. In the morning, they'll begin to rebuild. This time, they'll do it right. 

**Author's Note:**

> https://destiel-love-forever.tumblr.com/


End file.
